"If there is no struggle, there is no progress"
I want you to imagine you are taking your baby/toddler/child to get a needle or something done to them that they don't like. Imagine you are holding them as tight as you can while they are using every ounce of strength in their body to get away from you but of course you are bigger and for the most part they can't get away. Sometimes you find this to hard to do and ask for a nurse to do it or have the Dad step in, or maybe a complete stranger because you can't stand to see them cry and then after a few minutes it is all over. Well we have spent the week watching this happen to Addison for an hour at a time twice a day. This morning I had to start doing it. For an hour I had to put her in the positions she doesn't like, do it over and over again while she screamed. This afternoon I did it all over again and this time she was even more frustrated and un happy with what we were doing to her(because she is extremely over tired and isn't sleeping).
I walked out of that clinic today with a feeling I can't explain. We have spent a lot of money to come here, we have booked to come back for two more intensive blocks and now we have to go home and continue this everyday twice a day(30 minute sessions). I look forward to the progress that hopefully will come out of this but I don't look forward to the work it will require from me and Addison. If you have ever had a child in therapy you will know that the child has a special love hate relationship with the therapist. The therapist is there to help them but that doesn't mean that the child likes what the therapist is doing to them but at the end of the session the child runs to the parents arms and feels safe. Now I am that person, the person who forces the child to do the therapy they hate so much and at the end of the session I also have to be the person they run to to be safe. Of course like any other parent would I can't help but worry about Addison associating me with the uncomfortable therapy. One of the many times I ask why were we dealt this deck of cards? Life just isn't fair.
I am smart enough to know that with anything you do it will get easier. I will tell you that the therapy is way harder to do then it looks in the video. Addison has high tone which makes her seem like she is strong and she can fight very good to get out of those positions. I don't have big hands and am struggling to get hold of her as good as I need to. I am a teacher I am the one who teaches people to do things, and coaches them when they struggle until they understand. I am not used to be the one who has to listen, follow instructions and then model what I have learned. Of course as a teacher you always sympathize with the students who are struggling but now I have a new respect. The child who just doesn't understand how to regroup in two digit by two digit subtraction no matter how many times they try, and they know that their mom has told them that if they can just get an A on next test they will get to do whatever it is they want oh so badly and they just can't get it. I was that child today. I tried over and over to get an exercise no matter how many times I tried I couldn't get Addison in the proper position, or I would have my hand too high or low, or be too far from the table, or just plain and simple not doing it right when all I wanted was to do it right because I know what it means for Addison which there is no bigger reward for me then helping Addison.
Did I think this week would take a toll on me? Yes I knew it would be hard to watch Addison cry through the therapy but maybe I didn't put enough thought into how it would make me feel when I had to do it. I do not regret our decision to come. I don't give up and I don't do things unless they are right so I will work and I will work hard to make sure it is done correctly so that when we come back to Toronto in May Addison is ready for a whole new set of exercises and will blow them all away. Like the Johnny Reid song says that we have dedicated to Addison....Today she is going to change the world, taking it one day at a time....
"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength" Christopher Reeves